Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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