google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
