Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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