Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Its about making memories worth repressing
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
