it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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