Nicole vs. Life
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Randomize
