when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
