My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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