What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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