I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
