Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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