Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
