Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
