The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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