I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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