I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
50% drunk capacity currently
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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