I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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