if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
