mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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