John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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