She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
