yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
my being single is dangerous.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
my liver is dry heaving
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
