I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
