I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
