When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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