Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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