Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
