That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
