dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
