I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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