Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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