i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
