Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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