i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
