He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
