I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
