The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
