I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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