proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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