conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Hippo gnu deer
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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