what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
