I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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