he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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