So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
