I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
