Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
