And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
