I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
