I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
