new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
