You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
